By David Mckee
Swiping right and left has revolutionized the modern dating scene by reducing the barriers to connecting with others that have always been a part of the traditional dating scene. The trend is not without its naysayers who claim dating sites to be nothing more than a digital meat market of superficial connections devoid of complexity.
A woman I met online and dated admonished me because I told her friends we met on a dating site instead of at a local coffee shop where we first saw each other. She is among those who see dating online as a guilty secret. I understand online dating carries a stigma that is based on real issues like ghosting, misrepresentation, choice overload and the emotional toll of rejection. There is some validity to seeing it as a seedy and less reputable way to find someone than doing so offline. However, I don’t subscribe to the notion that there is something wrong with using dating sites. I find meeting a woman online a perfectly acceptable way for busy people like myself to find a compatible partner.
I am not saying there aren’t important cons like safety and the potential of an emotional toll to social media use to keep in mind when choosing to engage in online dating. The digital age has opened us up to a logarithmic rise in our vulnerability to financial scams, identity theft and abuse like bullying and cyber stalking. People have lost all their money and assets due to online scams from not only dating online, but through email fraud. Email remains one of the most robust forms of communication in history. There is a whole and growing industry that involves protecting our identity. Breaches in security costs us billions of dollars and countless hours lost the inconvenience of having our personal data compromised by fraudsters committing catphishing schemes.
We have to protect ourselves online just as we defend ourselves offline by having locks, alarms, and a patrolling police force. Sometimes the solution is as simple as blocking anyone we suspect fraudulently mispresents themselves to gain our attention only to spring a need for money on me. Caveat emptor applies here. Beware of scams and fraud. Don’t carelessly give money or personal information to people who may deceive you.
Another downside is online relationships lack depth. My experience has shown me that the people I meet on the internet are not shallow. The problem is with the expectations we have about the medium. Texting was designed by engineers to communicate design updates, not to build lasting relationships or to fall in love. Online profiles are supposed to pique our interest so that we follow up by reaching out and expressing interest, starting a connection and then exchanging numbers so we can go on to possibly meet. It’s not intended as a means of developing a relationship. I spend enough time texting to feel comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers and take the potential relationship off the dating site.
I know in a couple of messages if I want to swap numbers, and I’ll invest in a phone call or video chat session to determine if I want to meet. I try not to sweat the little rejections as using dating sites is a numbers game. It is akin to the marketing funnel where a large input at the wider top of the funnel yields more quality prospects at the narrow end. It’s cold, but you need to get over it and focus on the wins not the losses.
The fact is online dating is tedious. There are so many false starts where texts are exchanged and interest is generated only to have the conversations stall and the other person ghosts me before I get traction. I have spent time wasted in coffee shops waiting for someone who just doesn’t show up. Later that person deletes their profile or blocks incoming posts from me. This rejection can take a toll when the stakes of not meeting someone seem too high.
Right beside the tedium is thinking grass is greener with the next person you may meet. This is the thinking that if this person is nice, the next person may be better. It stems from the overwhelming number of suggestions presented. This leads to social saturation and a tendency to play the field that results in as much trouble online as does offline. The solution is to spend time getting to know one person at a time or engaging in only a few of the people you are most interested in. This is a good time to take a break from the incessant algorithm dating machine and deactivate your account, or if you’re serious, delete your account and avoid the constant temptation inherent in seeing a daily flow of tempting suggestions pop up in your profile page.
Finally, online dating is really not that different from meeting people in the offline world. It only differs in that it offers one a wider net to cast in search of romance or friendship. The basic tenets of any social interaction apply. Be courteous. Be honest. Be respectful. Enjoy the little thrills of getting the attention of those you are interested in. Don’t get frustrated at the tedium of the medium. There are good eggs and bad eggs. I can attest to the rewards of meeting online, as I have met some wonderful women I met with only a photo and a little text to prompt me. Yes, there are risks involved in choosing to brave the wild, wild web in search of a substantive relationship. But as far as I am concerned, the risks outweigh the benefits and meeting others online is nothing to be ashamed of.
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