The decision to divorce is probably the biggest decision I have made, even overshadowing the marriage itself, as its impact on my life and the lives of my family will see the biggest sea change ever. I can look at my life as the series of actions based on decisions I’ve made over my lifespan so far. Making different choices going forward may be one of the keys to having a better life.
My reason for filing for divorce is not out of vengeance or an admission of failure. I think it is a way for me to find personal peace. I am not at peace with this relationship. I don’t have affection. I feel inordinately responsible for a family that is changing; the kids will be gone in the near future and why should I pay for a home for a woman who is not someone I am emotionally close too?
I do want the freedom to date, but I also want the freedom to build my financial, emotional and future by myself or with someone else if I choose to collaborate. Finding a partner who exemplifies the friend, lover and confidant I crave depends on me being single.
My soon-to-be-ex is watching and listening to the memories of our marriage through our children. She has kept a meticulous record of the children through the years online, even earning recognition for her blog in her hometown of the Republic of Korea.
I can’t regret the way my life has gone so far as long as I am capable of may new choices. The choices I make
I can’t help but think that she is intentionally or unintentionally communicating something with me by playing these memories so I can hear them. She played a video of my youngest daughter’s birthday from several years ago. I heard her singing happy birthday to her and probably me and my oldest who then went by Jinna. (more about that later)
She has also played a soundtrack to our fracturing relationship that includes Korean and American love songs that share an emotional impact on us. Bombi is not a shallow woman. She is very smart. She is complicated. I admire her and respect her, but I can’t work with her. Still, I can ‘t help but relate to her when I hear her playing sad music that seems to indicate mourning and hurt in a way that I have done in the past. This includes similar songs from the 80’s like ‘Just Once’ by James Ingram, ‘Didn’t We Almost Have it All’ by Whitney Houston, and ‘How Am I Supposed To Live Without You’ by Michael Bolton.
This is just one aspect of our divorce that I am going through. Another involves cars of all things.
Bompi’s Santa Fe, the 2013 model I bought when her 2001 model failed to make it over the continental divide during our trip from San Diego to Millington. The luxurious SUV may be suffering serious mechanical issues after 12 years of superb service. It is sitting at the Hyundai dealership where it faces up to 10 issues that Goodyear said it was not able to diagnose.
What does this have to do with our divorce?
It goes to the heart of why I fled for divorce to begin with, our lack of communication. I wonder what it will mean to our divorce if we start communicating about the disposition of the Santa Fe. I feel the divorce is threatened by discussing solutions to this problem, or it is the best way to parse out the marriage from a future friendship.
