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David McKee

My Online Search for Romance in Small-town America 

Long hours working at the dealership helped me cope with my divorce, but got in the way of meeting someone new after the dust settled. Few opportunities existed in my small town after I got done working from eight in the morning until seven at night save for a few bars and restaurants. The finance manager suggested I join a dating site one night while she applied lipstick before she left to meet someone she recently met online. 

I would go on to ask myself how it can be so difficult to find someone when I lived during the most socially connected time in human history. 

Online dating offered the capability to cast a wide net to reach women literally across the globe. I found that the same problem existed online as it did offline. I didn’t want to drive more than a few minutes to meet someone. A half hour commute after work meant spending much of my time commuting instead of spending time with someone. It might be okay for a hookup, but I was looking for more: my lover, friend and confidant. 

I limited my search to the lowest number of miles. The pool of women I found dropped drastically. The interesting part of narrowing my search so much was I found I knew many of the women suggested by the dating site. Some were sisters of friends, coworkers, old schoolmates. I had even dated a few. The insight in some of the profiles was entertaining. 

I had been swiping left and right searching for romance from the comfort of my
Cell phone for a few weeks to escape the isolation of short evenings after long days of selling cars. None of the women I come across seemed interesting. I think it’s because I didn’t know them. I couldn’t picture myself meeting a stranger from an app. There was too much uncertainty and I can’t imagine feeling the chemistry through my cell phone. 

One caught my attention Friday night after work as I ate leftover Mexican, drank a beer and watched TV.. It was someone I saw nearly every day and I confided in briefly as I navigated my divorce. She was someone I wanted to meet offline, but I hadn’t gotten up the courage to ask for her number. 

She operated her coffee shop, The Bean, out of a converted school bus where I bought my coffee each morning on my way to Stateline Auto where I sold used cars for an old drunk, Harvey. I immediately recognized her on the dating site when I saw her  profile. Amanda’s  username was CocoBean. 

Amanda’s profile photo was taken fo her framed by the service window cut out of the bus. Her head on her hands, her signature green, black and yellow beanie with her red, twisted hair pouring out from under it. Her bio was simple.

Looking for love in Small-town America. Must love me, coffee, dogs and in that order lol. 

The thing about dating online through a dating site was some of the people I saw online were part of the cast of characters I saw every day. There was the coworker in finance (I hoped she didn’t see me). Then there was that pretty who handed me my venti, hot Breve Latte every morning and always smiled and tole me to have a great day.  

Maybe she saw my profile too:

Eligible Libra looking for a someone special to kick dry autumn leaves in the park. Seeking a friend, confidant, lover. I have a job, a car and I’m not incarcerated. I enjoy good food, live entertainment in small venues with someone special. BTW ladies, it turns me on if a woman can take the initiative. 

 Bob Marley, “Waiting in Vain” played from a digital speaker hanging on the side of the brown bus Monday morning as I waited in line to order my morning coffee. 

“Hi David,” she smiled and recognized me when I got to the window. “Your Venti Breve Latte, hot.” 

She handed it to me and turned it as she handed tox me to reveal she had written her phone number on the cup holder with a heart next to it. “Call me.”

“Autumn is my season too,” Amber said as I took my coffee and left. 

By David Mckee

Swiping right and left has revolutionized the modern dating scene by reducing the barriers to connecting with others that have always been a part of the traditional dating scene. The trend is not without its naysayers who claim dating sites to be nothing more than a digital meat market of superficial connections devoid of complexity. 

A woman I met online and dated admonished me because I told her friends we met on a dating site instead of at a local coffee shop where we first saw each other.  She is among those who see dating online as a guilty secret. I understand online dating carries a stigma that is based on real issues like ghosting, misrepresentation, choice overload and the emotional toll of rejection. There is some validity to seeing it as a seedy and less reputable way to find someone than doing so offline. However, I don’t subscribe to the notion that there is something wrong with using dating sites. I find meeting a woman online a perfectly acceptable way for busy people like myself to find a compatible partner. 

I am not saying there aren’t important cons like safety and the potential of an emotional toll to social media use to keep in mind when choosing to engage in online dating. The digital age has opened us up to a logarithmic rise in our vulnerability to financial scams, identity theft and abuse like bullying and cyber stalking. People have lost all their money and assets due to online scams from not only dating online, but through email fraud. Email remains one of the most robust forms of communication in history. There is a whole and growing industry that involves protecting our identity. Breaches in security costs us billions of dollars and countless hours lost the inconvenience of having our personal data compromised by fraudsters committing catphishing schemes.  

We have to protect ourselves online just as we defend ourselves offline by having locks, alarms, and a patrolling police force. Sometimes the  solution is as simple as blocking anyone we suspect fraudulently mispresents themselves to gain our attention only to spring a need for money on me. Caveat emptor applies here. Beware of scams and fraud. Don’t carelessly  give money or personal information to people who may deceive you. 

Another downside is online relationships lack depth. My experience has shown me that the people I meet on the internet are not  shallow. The problem is with the expectations we have about the medium. Texting was designed by engineers to communicate design updates, not to build lasting relationships or to fall in love. Online profiles are supposed to pique our interest so that we follow up by reaching out and expressing interest, starting a connection and then exchanging numbers so we can go on to possibly meet. It’s not intended as a means of developing a relationship. I spend enough time texting to feel comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers and take the potential relationship off the dating site. 

I know in a couple of messages if I want to swap numbers, and I’ll invest in a phone call or video chat session to determine if I want to meet. I try not to sweat the little rejections as using dating sites is a numbers game. It is akin to the marketing funnel where a large input at the wider top of the funnel yields more quality prospects at the narrow end. It’s cold, but you need to get over it and focus on the wins not the losses. 

The fact is online dating is tedious. There are so many false starts where texts are exchanged and interest is generated only to have the conversations stall and the other person ghosts me before I get traction. I have spent time wasted in coffee shops waiting for someone who just doesn’t show up. Later that person deletes their profile or blocks incoming posts from me. This rejection can take a toll when the stakes of not meeting someone seem too high. 

Right beside the tedium is thinking grass is greener with the next person you may meet. This is the thinking that if this person is nice, the next person may be better. It stems from the overwhelming number of suggestions presented. This leads to social saturation and a tendency to play the field that results in as much trouble online as does offline. The solution is to spend time getting to know one person at a time or engaging in only a few of the people you are most interested in. This is a good time to take a break from the incessant algorithm dating machine and deactivate your account, or if you’re serious, delete your account and avoid the constant temptation inherent in seeing a daily flow of tempting suggestions pop up in your profile page.  

Finally, online dating is really not that different from meeting people in the offline world. It only differs in that it offers one a wider net to cast in search of romance or friendship. The basic tenets of any social interaction apply. Be courteous. Be honest. Be respectful. Enjoy the little thrills of getting the attention of those you are interested in. Don’t get frustrated at the tedium of the medium. There are good eggs and bad eggs. I can attest to the rewards of meeting online, as I have met some  wonderful women I met with only a photo and a little text to prompt me. Yes, there are risks involved in choosing to brave the wild, wild web in search of a substantive relationship. But as far as I am concerned, the risks outweigh the benefits and meeting others online is nothing to be ashamed of.

I feel I should write something riveting about the first day of the new year like my grand resolutions and plans. The problem I have with anything surrounding the new year is the grandiosity. I know the big plans aren’t going to materialize. The resolve will diminish to nothing in a few months at best as the gym will be busier for a few weeks then back to normal. The pledge to lose my gut and be more successful than the previous year is probably just wishful thinking fueled by frustration.

This first day of 2025 was as uneventful as New Year’s Eve. Simple celebration at Sake Versus Tequila last night and Dominoes pizza today. Okay. This was supposed to be a year of restraint and austerity, the only resolutionesque plans I made. But I didn’t go over my calorie allowance by much and I did go to the gym yesterday. I will get better sleep tonight, and I am writing this blog instead of binging more episodes of Scrubs. I tried to fix the dishwasher again and decided to share the cost of a mid-priced model from Loewe’s.

Humble steps instead of grand strides are the way forward for me in 2025. Sleep good, eat better, exercise a bit more and avoid mind-numbing TV and social media more. That doesn’t mean I don’t have big aspirations. I want to reduce my debt and move to Washington. I want to reduce my gut. I want to lower my insulin resistance. I mostly want to be more comfortable with myself and setting standards I can’t feasibly meet is self sabotage. If I need to raise bar, I can. But I don’t want it so high in the beginning.

“If I believed the world were to end tomorrow, I would still plant a tree today.”

I still like this quote thought is is falsely attributed to Martin Luther. I have been marking time for several months waiting for the US election, November 5, before I start something new or plan ahead. I feel there is no use putting my efforts into the future if it only means chaos and destruction if Trump becomes president.

I am disappointed and ashamed to be an American these days because so many Americans have bought into The Trump cult. There has been a misguided right-wing fringe as long as there has been a United States. After all, our forefathers were radicalized against the Queen. Today, MAGA extremists are capable of making a plurality, again denying the majority its rightful win. They are capable of overthrowing our democracy and giving it to a wannabe dictator.

I am not looking for employment. I am not planning any large purchases, and I am suspending hope until election day. Is holding my breath until I see which way the political winds are blowing a good idea? I agree with the quote I opened this post with. I can still plant a tree. But I can’t plant a forest. I can concede that there is at least a 50/50 chance VP Harris will win. I think it is more likely she will prevail than the Mango Mussolini. That is my tree… a little bit of hope and optimism.